Starring as DC's super sonic superhero The Flash, you'd expect to see Ezra Miller associated with the next blockbuster film in the headlines. Now their name brings images of flashing blue and reds instead of glitz and glamor. With a rash of violent crimes and other strange behavior, this hero may have turned heel. With that in mind, here are the top five tools to defend yourself against Ezra Miller.
Snub Nose Revolver
In June 2022, two separate families were issued protective orders against Ezra. One alleges physical and emotional abuse of the family's 18 year old daughter, with Miller displaying "cult-like and psychologically manipulative behavior" while providing the girl drugs and alcohol. Just a few weeks later, another order was issued on behalf of the family of a 12 year old girl. This order claims Miller repeatedly returning to this family's home, shouting at them, then causing discomfort by "hugging the child closely".
Close contact like this can create complications with personal defense. Managing limbs, finding angles for shots from retention, and in fight weapons access can often be too much for the inexperienced. With this in mind, we want simplicity of operation. Revolvers may look like a Swiss watch internally, but their point and click nature in close proximity is a benefit for the unskilled. Lacking a slide which could be pushed out of battery, contact shots are simple, and may be your best bet during a bad touch. Additionally, their curves and sleek lines improve weapon retention in a gun grab, and the addition of wadcutter ammunition strikes a clean balance of effectiveness and shootability.
Something like a Smith & Wesson J-Frame, or Ruger LCR in .38 Special would be my top recommendation here. Paired with a PHLster Enigma, you have a quality carriage method for any manner of dress, hidden from the prying eyes of Ezra.
Miller was arrested in March 2022 for disorderly conduct and harassment after allegedly confronting a singing couple in a karaoke bar. Another incident shortly thereafter resulted in his arrest after throwing a chair at a woman, causing injuries to her head.
Not every problem is a gun problem. We should always strive to deescalate potential threats, and doing so at a distance provides us time to transition to other tools or escape. Application of a quality pepper spray could be just what the doctor ordered when Ezra decides it's time for your curtain call. Throw some Sabre Red or POM in your pocket next time you go out. It could be a taste from your spicy treat dispenser that causes Ezra to reconsider seeing how far they can bounce a chair off your forehead.
On a similar note, a good offense needs to have a good defense. Protective gear might make the difference between going home or going to the ER. I've seen bars and other venues shake people down for their defensive tools, but never for PPE. A good bump helmet or riot shield won't do much to stop Ezra Miller from shouting you down or launching furniture your way, but could save you a hospital visit.
Most recently, Ezra Miller was charged with felony burglary of an unoccupied residence by the Vermont State Police. Pepper spray and a snub nose won't do much to protect hour home when you're away. Even the best locks and alarms can be defeated by a clever criminal. What are we to do?
This is where the Claymore Roomba comes in. The Boogaloo Bois might have been onto something after all, but instead of feds, we're defending against the unhinged ultra famous. These autonomous house keepers will seek and destroy dust and debris while simultaneously patrolling for ne'er-do-wells. Ezra is in for a surprise when trying to raid your residence, and the little robot will tidy up afterwards.
Ezra may be losing their marbles but that doesn't mean you have to too. On the off chance that Miller actually is The Flash, none of the equipment above will do you much help. With average human reaction time somewhere between 0.25-0.50 seconds, you'll never stand a chance against the lightning fast lech. Instead we must try to slow them down to give us regular Earth people time to defend ourselves.
Take a note from Kevin McCallister and add some passive defensive measures to your plan. Scattering marbles on the floor won't be immediately noticeable to those in a drug and alcohol fueled daze, but will send them flying nonetheless, giving you precious seconds to mount your defense. Banana peels, toy cars, and oil slicks can substitute in an emergency.
Final Thoughts on Tools to Defend Yourself from Ezra Miller
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Darks days have come for not only the citizens of Gotham and Metropolis, but also places like Hawaii and Vermont. Where will Ezra Miller strike next? Hopefully a redemption arc is coming their way soon, but until then, prepare for a fate at the hands of the Flash.
Author's Note: All of this is simply satire based upon allegations reported in the news. No harm is wished upon Ezra Miller, nor their associates.