Ok, so hear me out. Sharks are invading the mainland USA. Crazy situation, I know. Well, we've gotta defend ourselves against them. What guns should we use to do so? Well, I've found two to be optimal for this topic. One is good for concealed carry, while the other is more of a home, property, or boat defense tool.
The Smith & Wesson Model 15
For your handgun, I've selected the venerable Smith & Wesson Model 15. This is a classic K-Frame revolver, dating back to the late 1940s. Chambered in .38 Special, we've got enough power to be able to penetrate the hide of a Great White. For your load, either 158gr LRN or 135gr+p Speer Gold Dot. Wadcutters can certainly work well too, but they shouldn't be your reload, as they are harder to get into the gun under stress.
Your holster needs to be leather. Leather is the only correct choice. Before you start, I can already hear you:
"Paul, sharks are salt water animals, why would I bring leather in that environment?"
It's simple. You're classy, but you're also classic. Leather on your Smith wheelgun is a requirement here. Same for your speedloader pouch, needs to be made from a dead animal.
Well, we've got the handgun covered, but what if you need a bit more firepower and penetration?
The M1 Garand
Your grandpa won WWII with the M1 Garand, and you're gonna kill a shark with that rifle. You've got eight shots of 30-06, more than enough to kill a big fish. The load were going to use is the venerable M2 ball, which is a 150gr bullet moving at 2740 feet at the muzzle. Make sure that you don't load blanks though, like a certain ship captain I knew.
While not required, a compressed oxygen tank can make the shark elimination process a fair bit easier. Your M1 will get the job done, but the oxygen tank mixed with an M2 ball round will make it a lot more satisfying.
Oh, and you've gotta have a one-liner prepped before you shoot the shark. You can say something after too, but that's personal preference. I've got a few down below that you can borrow.
- "Smile, you son of a bitch."
- "Hasta La Vista, baby."
- "He had lots of guts."
Needless to say, I think you are prepped for combating sharks. Well, almost prepped.
Practicing on the Sharget (Patent Pending)
To better prepare you for shooting, I've come up with a dynamic target, shaped like a shark. I call it, the Sharget (Patent Pending). I've painstakingly drawn a shark, then added a 4x6" index card overlaid onto our enemy.
Once we've placed up our Sharget (Patent Pending), we can begin our practice against the evil fish. I've just been working with the Model 15, as the M1 generally requires blowing up an oxygen tank, which gets expensive.
I've recorded an instructional video on how to best use the Sharget (Patent Pending).
For a full playlist of my Sharget (Patent Pending) shooting, check out the link here.
Needless to say, I think that with the Shargets (Patent Pending), you will be prepared to fight the invasive sharks. Sharks are much bigger than the Sharget (Patent Pending), so the concept of "aim small, miss small" will really come into play.
The Verdict
I've equipped you with the tools to combat the invasive sharks. It's now up to you to use them to stay safe. We can't have our valuable readers getting kilt in da screetz.
I hope you enjoyed our April Fool's article for this year. Jaws has been a favorite of mine, and as it gets closer to it's bicentennial, I'd like to talk about it a little more. Maybe a Model 15 review in the future? Oh, and don't go shooting at the sharks in the water, the folks on your fishing boat will probably freak out.
Photos from the film Jaws courtesy of Universal Pictures. M1 Garand photo courtesy of our own Sean B.
Additional Reading & Patreon Link
Below are some related articles from past April Fool's, or articles related to the guns mentioned here:
- How Much Does A Wool Poncho Affect Shooting? [AF 2023]
- Condoms On Guns: Any Possible Use?
- Smith & Wesson Model 10 Review | My Favorite Revolver
If you'd like to support me on Patreon, I've got the link for that here. Nearly everything that I do on Primer Peak is paid for out of my own pocket, and my content is not shilled or driven by manufacturers or companies. If you decide to donate, I'd really appreciate it, as it would allow for me to continue to bring you quality work.
Sorry, the Savage/Stevens Model 87/187 series is the best for shooting sharks. Those firearms were known as 'gill guns'. Sharks have gills. Those guns have gills. That means where ever sharks are able to go, these guns could easily follow them and be used to attack the sharks. To quote Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan, "If you don't believe me, just ask me."
Y'know, I didn't think of that. You've got a solid point here.
time for some sharkfin soup